A Cry For Help

On this Memorial Day Weekend I decided to make my inaugural visit to the pool to lounge, sun, and give myself over to Nick Hornby. There was just one problem: I was going to have to go alone. Jeff, my primary pool-buddy, was otherwise occupied. Other friends were either uninterested or out of town for the summer. The potential loneliness of the solo journey to the pool isn't the issue, and I'm not paranoid about looking like a loser - I actually kind of like being there by myself, no obligation to talk, just sitting, relaxing, reading or not reading, eavesdropping or trying desperately to shut out the noisy pool-goers with friends.

No, the real issue is sunscreen. A pool partner will apply sunscreen to your back and you will do the same, and if all goes well neither of you will leave the pool lobster-fied and your whole body gets to have its day in the sun. When you go by yourself, this just isn't possible.

Sure, you can try to reach your back, but unless you have Go-go-Gadget arms, it's just not happening. My mom advocates "spray" product, but she's still living in the era of tanning oil, SPF -2 and I'm trying to prevent skin cancer and wrinkles here people. One time when I was at home I tried a spatula to reach the hard-to-reach areas and had splotchy results not much different than if I'd just used my hands.

So this is my million dollar idea - I need to invent a mechanism that allows you to spread cream, of all sorts, on your back evenly distributed and without missing a spot. Let's face it, even if you're the most popular and beautiful girl around, who always has a pool companion, at some point you're going to get burned or just dry and will need to spread aloe or lotion on your back. And sometimes you just aren't going to have BF or BFF around to help you do it. Anyone with any ideas that can help make this possible, please post in the comments.

I ended up just laying a t-shirt over my back when I rolled over (because I don't want lines on my legs where some are tan and some aren't - NOT cute) to avoid potential sunburn. This worked fine for the time being, and after I spent awhile at the pool I sucked it up and decided to head home to the activity I've been dreading and putting off for a time I'm not going to tell you because it's too gross: Cleaning the bathtub.

Cleaning the bathtub is the worst chore. I'd rather do anything else than clean the bathtub, and I'd pay someone just to do it. It's the most infuriating task because it never quite feels clean. I scrub. I rinse. I wipe. I use Scrubbing Bubbles, Kaboom, generic bathroom cleaner; you name it, I've used it and the fucking tub always has water stains and still feels sort of grimy if you really, really get down to it.

With bathtub cleaning I feel like I'm missing something. I'm 26 years old and I fear that I don't know how to do it right. I mean, other people seem to be cleaning their bathrooms fine, but for me it's like WWIII everytime I get in there. It's never easy, and it takes me like half an hour to clean the surface area of, I don't know, maybe 10 square feet(this is a complete guess). Furthermore, a) Is it necessary to clean the parts of the tub/shower that don't get wet and b) if so, how do you rinse them because there are just some places no matter how convoluted you make the shower-head that just won't get wet.

Is there a way to clean where you don't end up soaked with water covering the floor (this is helpful if you intend to mop next, but otherwise is dangerous)? Is there a product or tool to use to actually get the thing clean rather than just a little cleaner than it was before? If you have the answers to these questions, please enlighten me because I'm at a loss.

Finally, if you can explain to me why this proves the egg came first, that'd be a huge help. Because really, it still begs the question from whence did the egg come?? (P.S. What is the proper usage of "whence" and what exactly does it mean?)