It's Saturday night. I have been home for a little over 24 hours now. For the past week I have been out of town - first a weekend in Wilmington, then a week in Chapel Hill for work training.
Although I greatly missed my beloved puppy dog, it has been somewhat of an adjustment to return home to an empty house and no friends. Essentially, I feel like I was on vacation in the Real world and have returned to the black hole of nothingness where I live: no restaurants, no non-sketchy bars, no good shopping, no real movie theatres, very few educated people. . . . When I am away from here, I feel alive, and coming back after experiencing what life could be like, even should be like for a single 20-something, it just makes me feel like my youth is slipping through my fingers and life is completely passing me by.
On top of this, I desperately, desperately want to see The Dark Knight. Our tiny little theatre is playing it. On one screen. At two times. TWO. times. 1:30pm, 7pm. I was getting my hair cut today at 1:30, and 7pm is precisely when it gets cool enough to take Masala for his afternoon walk. I'm going to do my damnedest to get there tomorrow, but I've got a lot of work to catch up on to prepare for Superior Court on Monday. So, it looks like I may have to read all the hype and excitement and reviews for yet another damn week while the rest of the world sees the first movie I've truly been excited about since well, probably since The Goblet of Fire came to the big screen (for whatever reason, I was less excited about The Order of the Phoenix).
Not only am I lonely, but I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm jealous of all the other people in the world who live in real towns, with real friends. I'm pissed off that all I want to do is escape from these feelings by going to see a movie, and even that is like scheduling an appointment with the gyno - you've got to plan it weeks in advance.
I have cried. I have pouted. I have even contemplated throwing things. I have taken my dog for a walk and washed off the summertime sweat. I have come to the conclusion that none of these things will change my reality. It is what it is, and I will have to make the best of it. And so now I will retire to my couch with a new book and pretend that I have made the choice for this quiet, Saturday evening.* I only hope I can sustain this illusion long enough for me to get the hell out of here.
*This post is not intended to diminish or demean the value of a quiet Saturday night with a book. It's just that when that's your only option, and has been your only option for the past 48 weeks unless someone has come to visit, it is more difficult to relish the serenity.
4 comments:
Poor Nik. I cannot sympathize with living in a small town, but I can definitely sympathize with having no friends nearby. Sometimes I feel like I am just here in STL waiting for my life to begin when I move somewhere else. . . and then I wonder, why am I waiting? Of course there are all sorts of practical reasons why I'll still be here for a while, but it doesn't keep away the feeling that sometimes I have put my life on hold, which seems like such a silly thing to do.
Hope you make it to The Dark Knight soon! (I haven't seen it yet, either, if it makes you feel any better.)
I felt lonely, angry, etc when I moved to DC and then again when I went to Baton Rouge. I knew a couple of folks when I went to DC but in BR I knew no one. It was hard...I cried...a lot...I got a dog in BR and she's still the love of my life. She helped me with the lonliness and I eventually made some great friends, but with effort on my end. In retrospect, it took about 8 or 10 months but I wouldn't trade my time in either place for the world. I realize both towns are big with young people so I know we are talking different situations but it's easy to feel lonely in a big city too. I do hope you find sunnier times where you are too.
Oh and on another note, you were in my dream last night! Your mom was having twins...Strange...
Hang in there, and know that I can always pack up the car and visit - I'm only a quick drive away!!
Dude, I had so many of these thoughts on the way home from work today. It's like I just read the blog post I was planning.
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