Dear Masala,

Please don't hate me, but more importantly, I'm asking you very nicely not to spazz out tonight.

I know we didn't really go for a good walk today.  You see, outside it's what we humans call, "freezing-ass cold," also known as "cold as balls."  Your owner/human, well, she is what we call a "wuss" when it comes to chillier temperatures. 

But it's more than that.  You see, she has been in what she and her co-worker are referring to as "Hell on Earth" this week at work.  She almost had 9,871 jury trials; she has dealt with 9,870 difficult clients; and IT IS NOT EASY WALKING AROUND IN HEELS ALL DAY DEALING WITH PEOPLE'S SHIT.

Tonight, she just could. not. do. it. 

I know, I know. She went to kickboxing.  She could have taken that time and spent it with you trotting up and down the street, walking to the waterfront, or playing on the tennis courts.  Instead, the selfish bitch did something for herself that she hasn't done in three days.  Please forgive this transgression against canine kind.

Due to her neglect of you this evening, she has resorted to the usual method of apologizing in the human world - she tried to buy your love.  That's right. She feels guilty, so she bought you that new squeaky toy. 

Yeah, that playtime a little while ago with the new squeaky toy - she did that for you because she couldn't do the walk today.  It's not the same, I know, but just this once consider accepting the consolation prize. 

Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated, and indeed recommended, because I think if you pull some of that running-around-like-a-crazy-dog shit in the middle of Private Practice tonight, she just might kick your ass.

Love,

Niki (aka Your Human - who has no idea why she referred to herself in the third person throughout this letter but is too lazy to do anything about it now)