The Truth of the Matter

Every break-up or ending has that moment. That moment you know in your heart and bones that s/he's not coming back, that you're not going back, that it will not be fixed, that it truly is over. Sometimes you don't even realize you've been holding on to the tiniest of tiny hopes; sometimes you have outwardly longed and prayed for a reversal of events. Either way, the time always comes - sooner or later, but always - when you know.

I think the pscyhologists call it "acceptance" or similar. I call it "reality-smacks-you-in-the-fucking-face-and-forces-you-to-wake-the-fuck-up."

It seems strange, because it feels like a brick in your stomach, but in actuality, you've been waiting for this moment, the final grieving. When you can let go and honestly live again. When you can stop looking backward or forward and be present in the now.

It doesn't mean you will no longer think of the person/place/thing or even that you will never be sad again. But you are now on the way toward true healing because you are viewing the situation as it is, not as you hope or wish it to be. The truth of the matter.

So today, I am sad but also happy because this part is almost over. . .and I'm this close to being me again.

UPDATE: My Deepak Chopra Quote of the Day from Twitter is very apropos. "Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are." Deepak Chopra

Holy. Shit.

Urban Meyer stepped down as Florida's head football coach.

Shocked. Stunned. Scared.

As GatorBenPBP said on Twitter: "From Tebow's concussion to Spikes' eye-gouging to Dunlap's DUI to now Urban stepping down, this has been the strangest football season ever."

So much word.

And next year is gonna...Suuuuhhh-uck.

Props to Meyer for putting health and family before football, though.

Bummer.

I hate to do this to you guys, but I'm not sure I can sleep without venting a little. In the grand scheme of things, my life is fantastic and I have nothing to complain about. I know this.  In my little corner of the world, however, the following things are giving me grief this Sunday evening:

* Rafa loses in 4th round at French Open to giant douchebag named Soderling (actually wrote a much longer post about my coping with this but going to give it a day to marinade and edit then decide whether to publish)

* Bum knee/thigh/ankle? Let's just say bum leg

* Lack of exercise due to bum leg

* Feel fat due to lack of exercise and also, possibly, PMS

* Hopelessness re: how to remedy bum leg. Are there any good doctors here? Can I even afford a doctor, even with insurance, as may not all be covered?

* Hopelessness re: living in awful place where have to worry about presence of good doctors

* Hopelessness re: timeline for leaving awful place

* Boys

* Return to work tomorrow (Although really, given grand scheme of things, should be thankful I even have a job. . .even if they are going to decrease my pay by 7% and can I still afford rent + student loans + exorbitant electric bill + food?)

Gee. I thought this might make me feel better to get this off my shoulders, but in fact, now I just want to cry. Then again, maybe that's what I need to do to feel better?  I hate being a girl. HATE. IT.

Warning, maybe

About an hour ago I threw my phone waaaayyy across the room, I'd say 20-30 yards of hardwood, where it slammed into my kitchen cabinets. Have not yet collected said phone and put the pieces back together (as have been manically completing tax forms causing phone temper tantrum). Possibly have killed phone completely. Just thought some of you might like to know should you try calling and continuously get sent straight to voicemail. Also, may try checking local jails to see if I have gone on raging crime spree to pay my $1,500 of taxes.

2009 Hates Me

Something is wrong with my car.

Again.

Something is so wrong with my car that I'm worried it won't make it to the shop in the morning...which is almost literally across the street. 

Alls I know is that if this cost anywhere near the $700 I got to spend fixing my car about three weeks ago, I'm turning on the tears. And those cold-hearted car shop people are going give me that shit for free.