memo to a 1L

hurray! i get to use my blog for one of its intended purposes - not doing work. if you guys aren't into procrastination, you have no idea what you're missing. but enough of that, let's get down to business.

dear 1Ls, a belated welcome. i know life can get kind of stressful and hard to deal with here sometimes, and i don't want to add to that, but my friends and i have been noticing some things around school this year that are a bit of a surprise to us. we aren't saying you are responsible, we're just saying, this shit didn't go down last year:

• more than 2 people per table - what's with this? there's an unwritten code of conduct that says two at a table, diagonally situated. during exams this can be modified and tables can accomodate 3 or 4, but on your average wednesday afternoon in the library, TWO is the limit and common courtesey dictates that you don't sit all up in another girl's grill. if you walk into the main reading room and all tables already have two persons, i'm sorry. you are too late and you need to find somewhere else to study - try the ENTIRE SECOND FLOOR (hell, there's even a third floor or an elevator if you need it). if you are lucky enough to see a table with only one person, please take the seat on the opposite side of the table diagnol from her - she does not want to hold hands, play footsie, or feel like you are constantly staring at her. i know it may seem harsh, but those are the rules and believe it or not, they do apply to you - no matter what you made on your stupid LSAT or where you went to undergrad.
• macaroni salad on the floor by the refrigerator - that macaroni was not there last year. occasionally there was food in the sink, but macaroni salad all over the floor in which people could step and break a nail - not there. you'd better clean that up stat or else i smell a tort a brewing. and work on those manners because it gets to be close quarters during exams and leaving food all over the place like that could get ugly.
• passing out in the basement laundry room at the PILA auction - not good decorum for a law student, tsk, tsk. we realize that drinking and lawyering go hand and hand here, we even have a whole month dedicated to throwing a party a day, but a good lawyer retains composure and doesn't let it all hang out. wait a second...wasn't that a student from our school who stripped and jumped into the hudson at a firm function last summer? nevermind.
• those attacks on 29 and massie - thanks to someone physically assaulting a couple of guys, now i can no longer stay at the library past dark (read 4:30 pm) without alerting the local authorities of my intent to walk to my car. again, i'm not saying it was you, but people weren't getting beat up on the sidewalk last year.
• stealing stuff from mailboxes - two words: HONOR CODE. i realized "do not lie, cheat, or steal" does not apply to roughing someone up (see above), but it does apply to taking things from students' mailboxes. i mean really, besides candy what could possibly be of any interest in someone's mailbox? you got the same flier from firm suckmybutt as i did, so you don't really need to steal mine. keep your grimy little paws to yourself.

thank your for your prompt attention to these matters. good luck on exams and remember that no one understands torts but we've all got to act like a reasonable person.