An open letter to fitness instructors

Dear fitness class leaders:

First things first - no one wants to be front and center during the exercise class. No one. Yes. Really. We know you don't bite/smell that bad/aren't mean/etc but honestly, no thanks. It's not really about you (although I'm sure you'd like it to be). The thing is that it's just uncomfortable. It's a vulnerable position, front and center, where it feels like the whole class can see you and you can't hide from the teacher who may obnoxiously call you out (see below for more details on that). Also, it's sort of like school - the front feels all brownosery and gunner-esque and nobody likes those people. Surely you can understand this. Presumably, you were an aerobics class participant before you became obnoxious instructor-person, and something tells me you maybe didn't like front and center either. As one of your kind said today, "it's like church. The back rows fill up first." This indicates to me a grasp of the concept and it really shouldn't surprise you that time and time again no one is jumping at the chance to be all up in your grill. If it ain't a rock concert or a theatrical production, front row = bad.

Going with the rock concert analogy, if I'm not at a rock concert, sporting event, or piss drunk at some party/bar, I'm not likely to want to yell, whoot, or holler. I'm just not. Frankly, most people in the world feel the same way and we don't really like those people that do shout out randomly in class. For this reason, please understand that you don't have to comment every fucking class about how we're collectively a quiet bunch. Only your BFFs at the gym or co-instructors will scream with giddy delight and enthusiasm at your prompts. The rest of us are just trying to struggle through the next 59 minutes so that our butts and arms will be a little less jiggly. Can you please just give us those moments?

And about the BFFs and co-instructors in class - We know you know people at the gym. We GET IT. You know Tom in the back row hates the girly songs and that Krissy loves bicep curls - whoopie doo for you. I don't give a shit, so please quit disrupting my physical and mental pain of doing 4,000 damn lunges to give them shout-outs, make in jokes, and giggle like school children. NOT. FUNNY.

Further, if there's a new person in class s/he is probably feeling a little nervous and just wants to blend in as much as possible. It's okay (and even encouraged) for you to ask if they are there at the beginning of class; they want to know you're looking out for them. However, it is somewhat inappropriate to continuely point them out and give them props during the course of the class - you can do this afterward, in a one-on-one conversation. Calling them out like that is likely to make them feel uncomfortable and want to punch you in the face with their 5 pound weight.

Finally, please quit pretending that you are hurting after the first 10 minutes just like we are. Everyone knows this is a crock of shit. You are a fitness instructor, the teacher of the class, and by definition you should be able to do it with ease (presumably because you are fit, although some instructors these days leave that open for discussion; if nothing else you should've at least done this one routine a billion times so that it's not a problem). Faking it is disingenous and rubs it in a bit more that you are supreme fitness guru and I am a fat slob. This has already been established, thanks. If you actually are hurting, expressing discomfort is fabulous and makes me feel better about myself - but remember, we're not dummies out there and we can tell when you mean it and when you don't. Don't act if you are not an actor.

These are just a few tips to get you started. After you have sufficiently mastered these, we'll get into proper music selection and owning your own music choice without any disclaimer, proper attire, and why that headset makes you look like a tool.

Thanks,
Niki

She knows where it's at - it's all about the cool down, ya'll.