On Love

This Happy Yoga book I've been reading is kind of blowing my mind. It has really helped me realize that if you're unhappy, sometimes you need to actively try to be happy, like actually put forth some effort. At first that seems counterintuitive, but after putting forth effort, eventually it becomes second nature. (And yes, I've had quite a few 99 cent margaritas as I type this.)

Anyway. This week I started the chapter on love. An excerpt that I just fucking love:

The love you experience at any time with any person is not coming from them; it's coming from inside of you. It's your experience of your true self. In other words, the other person is a stimulus that allows your own love to be uncovered. - Steve Ross, Happy Yoga: 7 Reasons There's Nothing to Worry About

There is an analogy that follows about chocolate and how eating eight buckets of chocolate doesn't give us eight times the satisfaction because "satisfaction comes from you." The point of the parts I've read so far is that you cannot get fulfillment from relationships; you can only be fulfilled from yourself.  Only by letting go of wanting X from your partner or friend or family member can you truly love them; you must accept them as they are.  

One way the book suggests to practice this: pick a random person - on the street, in a car, at the store - and see them, accept them, approve of them. Be love. 

So I thought, ok, I'll give this a shot. Guess what? NOT FUCKING EASY. I thought it wouldn't be that hard, but holy hell, it's totally hard. First person I picked on Monday was a lady in the courthouse, a couple hundred pounds overweight, ratty hair, coke-bottle glasses. I focused on her, tried to accept her and appreciate her just has she was.

Then I walked by her and got a couple whiffs of awful cigarette smoke. I was done. Over. Disgusted. Literally said, "Eeeew! Gross!" to myself.   

Then I tried the A.D.A. that day in court. He was being an ass. Impossible. Could. Not. Do. It.

Of course, Monday I also wanted to hit someone so bad that I ran myself to death on the treadmill after work so that I wouldn't get in a fight, so perhaps that wasn't the *best* day to try this new, positive, loving me.

So last night I decided I would try again today, except I had a new conceptualization of the project. I realized my definitions of love did not encompass what I was supposed to feel. I didn't love these people like a family member, friend, or significant other, because I didn't know them that way. The point was to love them and appreciate them as members of the Earth, part of the world; we are all in it together.

Like squirrels.
 
People are squirrels. 

I don't know squirrels, and those shits can cause me a lot of grief when Masala tries to jerk me around to chase them. Yet everytime I see them, I smile. They make me happy. I fucking love squirrels and appreciate them as part of the animal kingdom. 

So today in court, I tried that shit. Pretended people were different breeds of squirrels. And you know what? Didn't totally worked, but got much farther than last time. 

Squirrels, ya'll.  Squirrels are the key. 

Where's the Beef(cake)?

Must. Have. One. Immediately.

Singlehandedly Saving the Economy

So...umm...I bought some stuff. Actually, I bought a lot of stuff.

Yesterday I was feeling nostalgic for weekends in Charlottesville when J and I would spend an hour or so at Barnes & Noble happily perusing the shelves (him) and nicely laid out selections on tables (me). I'd always come home with 2-4 books, determined to read them voraciously, and a guilty chocolate chip cookie or 2 (seriously, best choc chip cookies I've ever had, and that's saying something). Anyway, inevitably we'd get home and decide we needed to watch a movie or tv show and the books would sit until a nice summer or spring day when I would insist on lounging by the pool (of the apartment complex at which we did not live).

This nostalgia began because I'd been sitting on my new porch swing reading Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason and wondered if Helen Fielding had written anything since that awful Olivia Joules crap. Google landed me on this semi-interesting article about chick lit which then led me to searching this Sarah Dunn person which then led to me feverishly clicking on "add to cart" on Amazon.

Some of my items ended up in the "Save for Later" bin, but I did come away with these four titles (2 at full price - but free shipping, and two at ridiculously low prices like $3 and $4):

The Girl She Used to Be - David Cristafano

Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel

The Big Love: A Novel - Sarah Dunn

Strokes of Genius: Federer, Nadal, and the Greatest Match Ever Played - Jon Wortheim (About the match which ignited my undying love for Rafa. Shut up, Megan.)

After these purchases I made my way to the kitchen (for the purpose of doing dishes) where I realized that a large number of my drinking glasses have vanished. Sure, Masala and I have broken a few, but I didn't realize the damage was this drastic. Now, if all glasses are dirty and in the dishwasher, there are none to drink out of! This situation, of course, had to be rectified.

I had to bring in the big guns: Mom. She loves this stuff, so I called her and gave her a project. A few hours later several emails subject line "glasses" were delivered to my inbox and thus began the hunt for drinking glasses. Somehow, I ended up purchasing a few of these recycled glass storage jars which I fell in love with. I mean, I've been needing some containers like this for awhile now for all the stuff I've started buying from the bulk bins at the organic grocer: lentils, couscous, quinoa - not to mention regular ole flour and sugar necessities.

All of this is well and good, but the !!MOST EXCITING PART!! about all this research was finding this gem of an online retailer: Greenfeet. They sell recycled and organic home products and purchase carbon offsets for all of their shipping. Very, very cool. So naturally, I had to buy something from them. Ta-dah! My new drinking glasses:

Also, Mom sent me the Southern Living catalog, as she does not quite understand my aesthetic, but was trying to be helpful. Surprise, surprise to me - some of the stuff in there is fab. And not cheap. But I do want the Tribeca Tumblers on pages 6/7...maybe another time.

As if this wasn't enough, I thought Masala should get in on the action, too. Sure, he'd gotten two new squeaky/ball toys when I bought his food, but those were just cheap little things. This hot weather has me so hot I'm already sweating behind my knees...inside...in freaking MAY. I can only imagine how he feels. During winter I came across some "cooling" beds and made a mental note for the summertime. Today felt like just the day to try to find one of them. Lucky Little M will soon be sleeping coolly in his very own Snuggly Sleeper (did not pay price on that webpage):

Yes, I wanted to get him an environmentally friendly bed, too, but those things are a) damn expensive and b) they don't have "cooling" ones yet - I felt like he would really feel the benefits, so I eco-splurged.

Who needs real life friends and/or local retail outlets when you have internet shopping? Best part is, next week or two I'm going to get all kinds of goodies delivered to my door as little surprises that I completely forgot about amidst whatever shitty day I'm having. Hurray! Is retail therapy on dual levels! Am genius. (Am also broke until June)

Bridget = Me therefore Me = Bridget?

1** lbs (have no idea, as am in beautiful zen-like place where do not own scale, also trying desperately to hold on to empty stomach skinny feeling, a welcome after-effect of the Death Virus), alcohol units 0, cigarettes 0 (although never smoke, so would be shocked if this number reached above 0), exercise completed 0 (but have good intentions for later, so is good)

Last night I was feeling tired, depressed, and worst of all, bored.  I tried to watch the NCAA Final Four, but it turns out I don't really care.  I could've watched a movie but nothing on Netflix really seemed interesting, plus I knew I'd fall asleep.  Oddly enough I felt like reading. Earlier in the day I walked down to the waterfront and forced myself to sit there until I finished The Subtle Knife no matter how hard the wind tried to blow me away.  This made me remember the joy of reading, but I wasn't really in the mood to read any of the random non-fiction books I've accumulated on my bookshelf to read.

So I did something I almost never do.  I decided to re-read a book.  And you've probably guessed, that book is Bridget Jones's Diary.  From page 1 I knew I'd made the right decision.  The book opens with her lists of things she "Will" and "Will Not" do in the new year (aka resolutions). This, of course, weaves a cohesive thread through a lot of her diary entries the rest of the year.  A brief selection which proves Bridge and I are about 90% the exact same person:

"I WILL NOT:
* Drink more than 14 alcohol units a week
* Behave sluttishly around the house, but instead imagine others are watching
* Spend more than earn
* Fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts

I WILL:
* Reduce circumference of thighs by 3 inches (i.e. 1.5 inches each) using anticellulite diet
* Save up money in form of savings. Poss start pension also
* Make better use of time
* Not go out every night but stay in and read books and listen to classical music
* Get up straight away when wake up in mornings
* Go to gym three times a week not merely to buy sandwich
* Make up compilation "mood" tapes so can have tapes ready with all favorite romantic/dancing/rousing/feminist etc. tracks assembled instead of turning into drink-sodden DJ-style person with tapes scattered all over the floor

The last one in particular really made me giggle and realize how similar Bridget and I are because at least once per day I think to myself, "I need to make an exercise/dancing/driving/empowering etc playlist on my iPod."  I digress.

I'm not stupid enough to make a list of yearly resolutions because I've had plenty of practice not achieving lofty goals.  However, it is good to have goals, so I thought why not try Bridget Jones-style this week and see how it goes.

Sunday goals
* Complete at least 3 loads of laundry (have already done half a load. Yay for small steps!)
* Clean kitchen
* Make those damn red lentils that have been sitting on the counter for an uncountable number of months with so much promise
* Make cookies for office (to thank them for help during last week's Death Virus and car fiasco)
* Resume workout regime after 1 week off due to Death Virus (in form of yoga, treadmill, and/or elliptical)
* Make Peach, Mozzarella, and Basil Salad that Jenn introduced me to last year and have been craving (and for which I bought the ingredients even though some of them may have come from Chile instead of locally...am bad environmentalist)

Weekly goals
* Continue workout regime at least 3/5 week days and 1/2 weekend days
* Bring lunch to work 2/5 days
* No pre-packaged frozen/boxed meals until at least Friday (when frozen Kashi pizza is acceptable)
* Blog in witty, brilliant, Bridget-fashion about success/failure of goals
* Read something not-on-the-internet every day for at least 5 minutes
* Buy birthday presents for people in March (i.e. Mom, niece)

As incentive for these goals I just dropped an embarassing amount of money at the grocery store, and since I'm broke, cannot justify spending any more money on food for the rest of the week. Of course, lunch with officemates is inevitable, so really eating a brought-from-home lunch even one day will be an improvement.  Honestly, I have serious doubts about not eating pre-packaged meals because I'm often so exhausted by the time I finally get home and ready for dinner at 8pm. And STARVING. But we'll see.  I'm going for meals that are easy to make and have ample leftovers.

Stay tuned....

Inexplicable.

**SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU HAVEN'T READ ALL THE Twilight BOOKS** (Unless you never plan on reading them and don't care if you get spoiled.)

About an hour ago I finished Breaking Dawn.  I have been speeding through because I am dying to discuss these books with full knowledge.  Now that I have read them all, I can firmly say the following:

Team Jacob.

But I'll get to that in a second.  First, I want to talk about the books themselves.  I devoured Twilight in a marathon day session and it was pure torture waiting a week get my hands on New Moon.  I just spent about five hours finishing Breaking Dawn because I was so submerged in that universe and didn't want to leave.

And yet, until the last part of Breaking Dawn, when I felt it got pretty nifty with the vampire lore, I couldn't honestly tell you that I "liked" them.  I can't explain it.  True, I liked Twilight well enough, but I knew it was complete trash.  Unlike Harry Potter, childrens' books that can be appreciated by adults, these books are young adult books that are indulged in by adults.  They don't have the depth of mythology or the complexity of Harry and his friends.  I like to refer to these books as crack:  You know they aren't good for you, but you can't help it anyway, like a crack fiend or candy compulsion.

Something about them, though. . .they draw you in and don't let you leave.  I don't do romance novels, but engrossed myself in Twilight. That grew tiresome in Eclipse and New Moon, which is why I began reading Breaking Dawn as a chore, just to get through it, just to finish what I had started. Then I find myself reading it every chance I get, instead of watching Private Practice even!

Perhaps my insatiable thirst for the books can be explained by the sheer loneliness of my current living situation and the comfort of escaping into someone else's melodrama without too much effort or thought.  Also, as J as pointed out, I do tend to love the teen girl stuff - Dawson's, Felicity, Gossip Girl, Gilmore Girls, etc.

What I find more baffling and what I simply cannot offer a logical explanation for is my strong preference for Jacob Black over Edward Cullen. It's just a feeling I have when I read the books.  I enjoy the Jacob/Bella dichotomy much more than the Edward/Bella one, so maybe it actually comes down to my feelings about Bella and not so much the two boys.   With one she is fun, sarcastic, adventurous; with the other she is lovestruck, sappy, and boring. Not to mention Jacob is a warm blanket while Edward is more of an ice sculpture.  Bella, stupid Bella, well, I think maybe she just sort of sucks (until the last part of Breaking Dawn, when she finally gets a little spine).

So maybe this says more about me than about any of them - as I mentioned, I've never really been a fan of romance novels, and we all know I loathe the winter weather.  Also, I'm not really into the idea of soul mates as pop culture has created them. I'm more cynical and spirited by nature, I suppose.  And I love, love dogs whereas I have never, to my knowledge, encountered even one vampire. How could I NOT be Team Jacob?

I understand that Bella and Edward are "meant to be" for the books' purposes, but I guess I don't really buy it, or don't want to buy it, rather.  Nonetheless, I won't dispute her choice no matter how much I don't like it.  Jacob to me is just a far more interesting character than the one-dimensional, dreamboat Edward.  

And if I were Bella, I might just have to consider changing the ending for the movie versions, because even though Rob Patt is all hot with his eyes and his hair and his British accent, this kid is a force to be reckoned with: