Assassins: The Complete Story (aka longest post EVER)

PART I (skip to Part III if you just want the good stuff)
Cast of Characters:
Me - you know
LG - my target
E - my assassin (the one who attempted to kill me a couple weeks ago when I had tp on my shoe)
M - one of the last 5
C - one of the last 5

Last Thursday, as most of you know, the Assassin Administrators informed us that there were five assassins left and at 12:01am there would be no more immunity. Finally, finally I told myself - LG will go down without the cloak of immunity. She was a dedicated immunity wearer and unless I devoted my life to assassins, there was no way I would get her. (Although, at one point I did spend a couple of hours stalking outside of her apartment in some bizarre attempt to kill her, even though in hindsight she would have to have her racket in hand at all times leaving the apartment.) I immediately forgot all homework and class assignments and went into planning mode.

A couple hours after the administrative email, I received the following email from E, subject line "LG":

You should probably look for Nicole outside of Candace's house tomorrow. ha ha
I also know:

Legal Research and Writing (F) (YR) 0006 1 L M. Riley 4011R LAW1 620 W
1330-1430 WB101 30
Administrative Law 0001 4 L J. Harrison 40300 LAW3 602 TWR 1500-1615 WB154

And she said something about having to be designated places tomorrow...

WTF?? Is this an email between LG and E that "accidentally" got sent to me? Is this an email to fuck with my head? Why are they making fun of me? That's not my schedule, not LG's schedule, wtf is going on? Now, in hindsight I think I understand - my name is a typo. E meant to put LG, no making fun of me going on. The Legal Research class is typically a 1L class, but I now know that LG is a sort of TA for that class (which she did NOT put on her schedule). E wanted LG dead, knew she was my target, and was trying to help me. At the time, though, my friend Agent OrAnge overheard E and LG talking about me in the hall - LG was saying what a bad assassin I am and that I'll not go to the lengths she will to get her target. Agent OrAnge and I concluded that LG and E were conspiring.

Thursday night my class ended early, around 9:30, so I decided to go spend some time in LG's parking lot. It's a brilliant location I found - there's a sort of tree/bushy area between her parking lot and where I parked, and there's a perfect spot where the bush hides the car, but you can see her entryway. I waited until 10:45, but then decided to leave. I went to Jeff's and we decided to switch cars - his gray Focus is way less conspicuous than my red convertible.

LG likes the thrill of the hunt, and tapping into her psyche Jeff and I thought she might get out there early to get C. So around 11:30pm I went back, waited around another hour or so, then concluded that morning would be my better bet. Since I didn't know C's schedule, I had to assume she had a 9am class, so I needed to get out early to get LG on her way to get C.

At 6am the alarm went off. In my foggy sleepy state I decided my plan was ridiculous and what the hell was I thinking??? BUT I had borrowed Jeff's car for this, and I couldn't really do that for nothing, could I? So with breakfast, snacks, water, and reading materials in tow, I set out to get her.

There are things they don't tell you on tv about staking out - I'm going to share those in another post b/c this one is going to be long enough already - but one thing is that you are desperate for any kind of activity. After 30 mins I was done with two granola bars and officially BORED. Then, at 7:15am or so it happened. The door to her apartment opened. A woman wearing a widebrimmed straw hat, sunglasses, and carrying a trash bag gingerly stepped out into the open. As she descended the stairs, I lept out of my car and sprinted to the relative cover of the tree/bushy area. She kept coming down the stairs and paused to get the right key. I pounced! Running up to her with arm cocked ready to catapult my sock, she looked up.

It totally WASN'T her. It was some middle-aged woman (am I middle aged?? nevermind) taking out her trash.
Woman: "Good morning."
Me: "Hi." (oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. runaway. run back to car now.)

As I got back in my car feelings of laughter, humiliation, relief, and helplessness rushed over me. If it wasn't her place, if my intel was bad, I could go home and get some sleep, plan on getting her another way. But if my intel was bad, I was screwed because I had to be at school at noon and E was going to get me. That's when I decided to check. I did what I should've done long ago: I made sure the door I was looking at was her number. It wasn't. It was 11. I needed 10. Apparently the apartments aren't uniform in their numbering systems (why didn't I learn from Ben not to make assumptions??!!).

So the good news was I could stay. The bad news was I could stay. Then I started really brainstorming. If girl was going to leave, knowing that she's so hardcore, she probably would get someone to drive her to school rather than expose herself during the usual walk (she lives close enough to walk). There won't be enough time to get over there if that happens. Ten minutes later - it happened. An SUV with two law school-y looking guys pulled up, someone got in (bush hid it), and as they drove off, I saw a girl dressed in a hoodie, leaning down in the seat.

"That's her! I thought! She's on her way to get C!!" Impulsively I turned on the car and began my pursuit. What did I have to lose anyway? Sitting there wasn't getting me anywhere. I followed them until they pulled into the parking deck. Hmm...I thought they were going to someone's house, did they notice me and try to shake the tail? So I kept driving by, then turned around a little bit later. The SUV had remained in the queue to get into the deck, so I got in it, too. I had $1, and I thought surely this would buy me enough time to sock her. I found the car just as they exited. I saw the girl from the back - no hoodie, but hair the length and color of LG.

I'll spare you the play by play on this one - again it wasn't her - but I totally freaked those people out. You should've seen them looking over their shoulders at me. They knew I was following, or suspected, but didn't know what to do about it or why.

Back to the drawing board. There I sat for another 2 1/2 hours until I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to pee, the sun was baking me in the car, and I just resigned myself to dying when I went into school for stupid environmental journal event.

But then, as you know, I somehow survived that moment at school for the journal event. Happily I don't have class on Fridays, so E wasn't suspecting I would be there and maybe wasn't looking for me. (Also, I was pretty covert about it and went in side doors and such).

PART II
This weekend I just coasted, wondering what was going on out there. I mean, if I could make it until Tuesday, I figured I'd at least get into the top 3 and get some prize money, and winning the game is the name of the game (at least where I come from). Yesterday the Administrators emailed us that we wouldn't be getting anymore updates, so I had no idea where I stood until E emailed me this:

Please kill LG!!! I hear she's tearing through assassins, and UVALawAssassin@gmail.com just isn't reporting it.

Hmmm...is this legit? Or is E conspiring with LG to get me out in the open (I also don't have class on Monday). Then M sends me this "tip":

If you want to kill LG, I'm pretty sure she's going to be around WB 128 at 10:15 this morning, stalking E. There are only three of you left. LG killed C Friday night, and me Saturday morning.

Maybe E was telling the truth? It's 10:45 when I got this email, so I emailed E to see if she had been socked by LG or not. E then cc'd me on an email to the administrators informing us that she was dead.

At this point I realized LG and I were probably the only people left and went into Final Countdown mode. I sent out a BOLO for LG to all my friends, and Agent OrangE (not OrAnge) returned with this gem: her assassins blog. Read it at your leisure - but I'll tell the important part is that she is trash talking me on the internet, and you can imagine how happy that made me - she was really taking the game TOO FAR. I'm sorry, please excuse me for trying to have a life and play assassins all at once. Her blog also mentioned oral arguments - and that's the beginning of when I figured out she was a TA for the Legal Research and Writing class and had to be present at a lot of the 1L oral argument sessions held every night. Then, E sent me another email, this time containing the text of an IM session with LG (whose name is laura, now you know):

LifeboatLaura: well, niki found my blog, where i talked about my greatest weakness
LifeboatLaura: so we'll see how stupid she is
LifeboatLaura: or if she figures it out
LifeboatLaura: but i figure at least now i stand a chance
LifeboatLaura: since it's one on one

Dude, the trashtalking and insults NEED TO STOP. At this point, there was no way I was going down without a fight, and she was doomed.

Agent OrAnge checked the oral arguments schedule for me, and the final plan began to take shape...

PART III - The Confrontation

LG had to be at oral arguments from 6pm-8pm. I had yoga from 6-7. The original plan was to tip her off to yoga and get her, but then I found out about her arguments and decided to just go that route.

Around 4:30 I headed over to Jeff's - but let me first say that getting out of my apartment was nearly impossible. I walked out with back to the wall, doublechecked stairways and balconies and did a recon mission before even attempting to go out there with my keys.

I successfully made it to Jeff's work, switched cars, and sat for around an hour outside her apartment waiting for her to leave for the arguments. On Friday, though, I thought I had figured out which car was hers, so I didn't think she was at home b/c that car wasn't there this afternoon. Still, I wasn't sure, so I waited. Around 5:45, I knew she wasn't there, so I left to head to yoga. Luckily, the gym is right next to the law school, so I checked the parking lot there for her hypothetical car, and sure enough, there it sat.

Comfortable with my safety, I headed to yoga and decided that in order to end this asap I was going to have to leave 10 mins early - the best time to get her would be between arguments at 6 and 7. The judges might take a break and she would be vulnerable (and I wouldn't embarass myself in front of alumni).

I parked close to the door and entered at a side door to elude spies she may have watching for me. No one outside the classroom except the next pair of nervous 1Ls awaiting their turn. I sheepishly smiled at them as I fingered my sword - two striped knee socks with smaller socks stuffed at the bottom for a good punch.

Two 1Ls sat facing the door as the judges gave them feedback; the rest of us anxiously waited outside. Minutes that seemed like hours passed. Should I run in and forego my dignity for the kill and embarass her and myself in front of the alumni? Would I have to wait until after 8 to get her when the whole damn arguments were over??

The door opened and the two suited 1Ls walked out, shutting the door behind them. No judges needed a break. I began to form a plan B and contemplated what I would do for an hour while I waited for this next argument to be over.

The door opened again. LG came out to beckon the next 1Ls. I went in for the kill. First the right, then the left. She was toast. And she was PISSED.

Her: "Yep."

Me: speechless, then murmuring a moronic "cool."

Her: "Funny thing is, I've got my sock sitting right in there beside me. I've been carrying it around all day, but I never would've recognized you because you've got a really generic face."

Me: speechless again - was she really saying this? "really? Ok." walkaway. walkaway and do not engage in high school pettiness.

And that was it. Fairly anti-climatic for me, and then she had to be such a poor loser and fucking insult me because she was pouty that I got her. Well, fuck her, because a) it's stupid to talk about your strategies and vulnerabilities on your blog and b) it's stupid and classless to talk shit about other people on your blog, especially using their real names. (this doesn't count b/c it's in retaliation, and I'm actually really offended by some of the stuff she said about me and about others - at one point on her blog she appears to make a somewhat racist comment about a Black Law School Students Association conference. two wrongs don't make a right, but sometimes you gotta call people out when they deserve it.)

I think Tempe said it best when she said: "BAM. Bitch went down. BAM! Sydney, SuperBitch!"

If my count is correct, this means I'm the ultimate assassins winner. But the body count is unofficial, so I'm waiting for word from the Administrator that I have no other target.

And because LG couldn't keep her mouth shut, I'm going to post her online student directory photo and let Ben do the honors of a caption about her Assassins demise (Ben: you may want to read a bit of her blog for some inspiration):

*Picture removed*

Thanks for coming along on the ride with me you guys. There were times I almost quit, but I knew I couldn't let my "public" down. Ben and Jeff and other The Wire viewers: I think Omar would be proud.

I can't find a picture from The Wire, but you get the point. He's way more badass than even this invokes.