Samudra

Somewhere along the way of practicing yoga and dipping my toe into Buddhism I picked up a tip to help quiet the mind while trying to meditate: Picture yourself sitting at the bottom of the ocean, where everything is still, and the waves and turmoil are all above you, on the surface.

The metaphor, of course, is that our thoughts and emotions can swirl around us but at the core we can remain peaceful. I've always found it a particularly helpful exercise, perhaps because I am so drawn to the ocean anyway, and I find myself coming back to it sometimes in the middle of a hectic day when I pause to take a couple of breaths.

Today I feel quite literally like sitting on the ocean floor, except the couch is my sand and the current around me is everything I have to do, emotions I'm trying to avoid, thoughts too difficult to deal with. As long as I sit here and remain still, everything is fine. But the moment I get up the peace is gone and stress descends.

I'm not quite sure what to do. I try to live by the motto, "ride the wave," and right now the wave is crushing me, holding me under, like what my dad used to call "rolling" me, when you can't find the surface and the tide somersaults you and for a brief couple of seconds you think you might really drown. I'm trying to remind myself that I never drown. I always find air, and my feet always right themselves, and I am free to swim to shore or continue playing in the surf.

Just yesterday I told a friend that very early on in my life I began writing my own rules and forging my own path. I don't regret that, nor do I plan to stop doing it. Sometimes, though, it just feels so hard. Sometimes I just wish I could follow the steps that seem to work for everyone else instead of breaking my own ground. But I know my truth, and to ignore that would bring me more unhappiness than the pain and loneliness of making my own way.

So after I publish this post, I'm going to get up off the couch and jump into the current, because the peace here is false and if I don't fight for air, then I have succumbed to the wave instead of riding it. It's not time for riding and floating. It's time to paddle and duck dive. Hard work and patience. Another good set will come.