This article about a "gratitude practice" popped up on my Twitter feed today, and although I only skimmed it, I do like the idea. I try to stay aware of the little things, especially when the big things have me down, but I thought writing it down might go a step further toward lightening my mood.
So here's my list of what I'm grateful for today (in no particular order):
- Conversations with friends, old ones and new ones
- That I met him at all (I guess)
- Tulips galore and my neighbors who planted them (tulips are my favorite flower, so simple and beautiful)
- I saw Susan Gibson and Jana Pochop last night, a rare treat of real music in my tiny town. They were awesome. Brought me back to my roots, also made me even more excited to be in Texas (they live in Austin!).
- Guacamole
- The cutest dog in the world lives at my house
- I vacuumed some stuff!!!!! (Now only 4845721721 other chores that need doing that didn't get done that should've been done 3 weeks ago. Pfft. What.ever.)
- RAFA WON HIS 7TH STRAIGHT TITLE IN MONTE CARLO! (Did I mention I had a dream we made out last week? Hands down, best. dream. ever.) I'm grateful for Rafa, always.
So many dirty thoughts, so little time.
This was fun. Am actually smiling and happier (Rafa will do that). Post your gratitude list on your own blog or in the comments (all 2 of you :).
Somewhere along the way of practicing yoga and dipping my toe into Buddhism I picked up a tip to help quiet the mind while trying to meditate: Picture yourself sitting at the bottom of the ocean, where everything is still, and the waves and turmoil are all above you, on the surface.
The metaphor, of course, is that our thoughts and emotions can swirl around us but at the core we can remain peaceful. I've always found it a particularly helpful exercise, perhaps because I am so drawn to the ocean anyway, and I find myself coming back to it sometimes in the middle of a hectic day when I pause to take a couple of breaths.
Today I feel quite literally like sitting on the ocean floor, except the couch is my sand and the current around me is everything I have to do, emotions I'm trying to avoid, thoughts too difficult to deal with. As long as I sit here and remain still, everything is fine. But the moment I get up the peace is gone and stress descends.
I'm not quite sure what to do. I try to live by the motto, "ride the wave," and right now the wave is crushing me, holding me under, like what my dad used to call "rolling" me, when you can't find the surface and the tide somersaults you and for a brief couple of seconds you think you might really drown. I'm trying to remind myself that I never drown. I always find air, and my feet always right themselves, and I am free to swim to shore or continue playing in the surf.
Just yesterday I told a friend that very early on in my life I began writing my own rules and forging my own path. I don't regret that, nor do I plan to stop doing it. Sometimes, though, it just feels so hard. Sometimes I just wish I could follow the steps that seem to work for everyone else instead of breaking my own ground. But I know my truth, and to ignore that would bring me more unhappiness than the pain and loneliness of making my own way.
So after I publish this post, I'm going to get up off the couch and jump into the current, because the peace here is false and if I don't fight for air, then I have succumbed to the wave instead of riding it. It's not time for riding and floating. It's time to paddle and duck dive. Hard work and patience. Another good set will come.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Damn, I'm being so lazy today. I have no idea what time I went to bed, but I woke up sometime around 11am. I made my way home, threw in a load of clothes, ate some cereal, researched Fantasy Football for an hour, took a nap, and here I am.
I need to go put those clothes in the dryer/on the drying rack. (Aside: Can I just say how much I fucking HATE doing this? I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate this task. It takes FOR-EV-ER. Mostly because I am neurotic about my clothes and have this belief that the fabric & color lasts longer if you don't put them in the dryer - even stuff that says go in the dryer - so I end up only tossing mainly underwear and socks in the dryer and trying to find a place to air dry everything else. Such a fucking pain in my ass.)
I need to clean the bathroom.
I need to walk the dog.
I need to sweep.
I need to clean the kitchen.
I need to sort through the giant stack of mail on my table, on the counter, in the mailbox....
But here I am. Writing this blog entry. Yoga Pose of the Week didn't fare as well as I intended, but I'm not giving up. I'm still yoga-ing and my friends gave me a badass Astanga book I can't wait to dig into. Hopefully I'll have the inspiration and time to share some of it on the blog.
Oh, the blog. Pretty sure no one reads it anymore, and that's fine and understandable. I am sporadic about reading everyone else's, too. I don't want to give up on it, though, so that's why I'm writing this post. It's been awhile since I've posted anything beyond yoga, food, hot celebrity stuff. Don't get me wrong, those things are well and good, but there is so much more to my life, too. A lot of it I can't/don't want to write here, for privacy's sake, for embarrassment's sake, for a hundred twenty-seven other reasons. But the other day I thought of something that I normally wouldn't share on the blog, but the takeaway point was pretty important to me, so fuck it. I'm going to write it.
Over the past several weeks, I have been hanging out with a Boy. A few people know about him, but mainly I keep my relationships under wraps until I know how substantial they are going to be. I've dated enough to know myself and the men I date - these things can be fleeting. But this thing with Boy seems different. Well, sort of. We have a lot of fun together, we have excellent chemistry, we seem to think the same about life. . .and on it goes. I will confess. I am developing more than a crush on him.
And because of my past experiences, of course once I realized this possibility beyond a crush, I freaked the fuck out. Number One because I don't want to get hurt. Number Two because Boy has an expiration date; there is almost no way it will last "forever" and I don't want to get hurt (I won't go into detail here; just trust me on this). I spent a couple of days brooding, determined I should just end things now, before I get in too deep, before it leaves a wound that will scar instead of just a paper cut.
Ordinarily I live my life the opposite way - living in the moment, dealing with consequences later. It is better to have loved and lost. . .blah blah blah. . .never say no to an adventure. . .you know me. You get the point. There was just something about this, something that made me balk at the possibility of hurt. It has been a rough few years for me, broken heart-wise, and I just wasn't sure I could face another one.
Then I realized something I've been learning with yogic philosophy and Buddhism: Nothing is forever. No thing. No one. No relationship. Some last longer than others, but everything lives and then dies. We have no way of knowing how long anything will last. Even if Boy had the potential for "forever," anything could take him or me away at any moment.
That's when I took my head out of my ass and decided to embrace it head on. Get back to my roots and live in the moment. Appreciate every. single. second. of happiness. Life is an ebb and flow, an up and down. Every day, even, has its moments of good and bad, a progression of moods. Why deny myself these delicious times with a great person just because he won't always be there? It was silly to even consider it.
So here I am. Lazy on a Saturday because we stayed up too late last night laughing and drinking and watching funny things on TV. And I don't care about the laundry, the dirty kitchen, the mail. These things will get done because they must. For a moment, for a few hours, I will soak in the happiness and just be.
Today has been rainy and relaxing. When I was walking the dog, I started thinking about this week's yoga pose. I literally almost did "naptime pose" because it's just that kind of Sunday. In that spirit, I give you child's pose - best known as a resting pose in both yoga and Pilates. Literally, there are days I come home from work and my body is craving child's pose. I think I cannot possibly work out or walk the dog or make dinner, but after doing balasana for a few minutes, I'm rejuvenated. Several instructors I've had also start off class in this pose because it helps prepare the mind and body for the practice to come.
This is how I go into child's pose, and there's a cheesy video at the end to show you another variation (complete with shirtless man. You're welcome!).
1) Get in table top position - on your hands and knees, flat back.
2) Spread your knees wide and let your toes touch.
3) Press your hands into the mat as you push your butt and hips onto your heels. If you aren't that flexible, try putting a block or blanket on your thighs and calves. Rest your head on the ground.
4) Either bring your hands palm facing upward by your hips or remain in extended child's pose with your palms pressing into the mat, arms extended. If taking the latter variation, remember not to let your shoulders crunch into your ears but remain down your back.
According to Yoga Journal, this pose should NOT be practiced by pregnant women. Also, be careful of knee injuries; if it hurts your knees don't do it. For what it's worth, I have issues with my knees, but I've found this pose actually stretches them out and makes them feel better. But those are my issues, my knees, and the pose doesn't hurt. If it hurts, stop!
Otherwise, you can enjoy these benefits from the pose (taken from Yoga Journal): * Stretches hips, thighs, ankles
This is my favorite variation on a forward fold. Forward folds in general have a calming, re-focusing effect on the body and are great to do right after last week's YPW - Handstand. I like this version for a few reasons. 1) It gives me a nice stretch on my shoulders while also stretching the hamstrings and low back. 2) It's fun to say! (Pronounced - PAH-duh-ha-STAH-san-uh, Pada = foot, hasta = hand, thus hand to foot pose)
Here's a video which demonstrates the proper alignment and steps to the pose. It's pretty simple.
Some thoughts from my own practice:
* Keep your low back straight. If you cannot come all the way to the floor with straight legs, just bend your legs. You will increase your flexibility more and better by being mindful of your body rather than rushing just to the floor.
* Don't let your shoulders get scrunched into your ears. Envision them sliding down your back to get the best benefit from this pose.
* This pose has a slight balancing aspect. It's good to try to put more weight on the hands than the heels, which can be a little scary. I *may* have almost fallen over trying to do this, so be careful! But don't worry, as one of my yoga teachers used to say, you have a roll bar if you do fall. :)
* Check out these couple of pages for the numerous benefits of this posture, which include increasing blood flow to the head, alleviation of bloating or constipation, toning of the abdominal muscles, and increasing spinal flexibility.
In my effort to return to semi-regular blogging, I'm going to attempt to feature a yoga pose every Sunday. I know some of you would rather eat pigs' feet than try yoga, but one of my new goals in life is to get my yoga teacher certification so I can convince even more people that yoga is awesome. In that vein, I'm going to share some of my 7+ years of yoga love with you.
Handstand is probably one of my top five favorite poses even though I have not "mastered" it, and that's one of the reasons I chose it as my first pose to feature on the blog. It shows that yoga can be fun and fulfilling regardless of where you are in a pose. It isn't about being flexible or making a perfect triangle. It's about trying the movements and feeling the benefits in your body and mind. With that said, let's get to handstand.
The Benefits: Handstand is excellent for waking you up and giving you productive energy. Most of ya'll know I'm hyper sensitive to caffeine, so I rarely drink coffee. It kind of makes me feel cracked out - I am awake, but I feel so spazzy I can't focus. Instead, I get my energy boost by doing handstand in the morning. I have noticed that when I do handstand, I get more accomplished, and with a better attitude, than days I do not. My co-worker and I have also been known to do them around 3pm in one of our offices instead of hitting the M&Ms. It makes us laugh, too, which is also an awesome stress reliever.
Many yogis also believe inversions help with circulation and give internal organs a rest. Handstand also gives the physical benefit of strengthening wrists, arms, and shoulders.
What you need: * A wall (eventually you can do it without the wall, but I'm still working on that) * Open space * Courage
What you DON'T need: * A skirt w/o bloomers * A yoga mat - if you have one, great, otherwise a stable, non-slick surface is fine; I have used regular carpet, commercial carpet, hardwood floors, almost anything. * Fear - A certain amount of anxiety is completely normal with this pose. Check out this excellent article from Yoga Journal to help fight the fear. As an added benefit, doing handstand can also increase our ability to overcome fears outside the yoga mat.
Notes of caution: Use your common sense. If your wrists are hurt or you are having problems with your arms, don't try this pose.
If you have high blood pressure or if you are menstruating, some yogis caution against doing any inversions whatsoever.
But don't trust me. If you have any misgivings, do NOT do the pose without consulting a doctor.
How to do it: Here's the method I use (taught to me at my favorite yoga studio):
1. Place your hands about 1 hand length away from the wall.
3. Slowly walk your legs forward about 1/2 to 2/3 of the way to your hands.
4. Engage your abs. (Practice building your abdominal strength with plank poses. A lot of handstand is in the abs.)
5. Look toward the wall. (This is very important. Your body follows your eyes.)
6. Bend one leg and kick up to the wall with the other. Let your bottom leg follow. (See the video below on not bicycling the legs. One leg will be easier than the other. I always bend my right and kick up with the left. When I do it the other way, it's a disaster, so I should probably work on that, but I don't.)
7. Once you're upside down, press your hands into the floor and use your back, shoulders, and abs to keep you up. Eventually you want your body to be in one straight line (again, I'm still working on this).
8. Come back down. (I usually do the pose 2-3 times, holding for as long as I can, which isn't very long because I'm working on keeping my feet away from the wall. If I were just staying on the wall, I would probably hold it longer and only do it once.)
It definitely helps to watch someone. Here is a video from yoga journal that shows a way very similar to the one I just described:
If you still can't quite make it up to the wall, or if you want to know more about improving your handstand, I urge you to not only read this awesome Yoga Journalarticle but also go to a yoga studio!
Every break-up or ending has that moment. That moment you know in your heart and bones that s/he's not coming back, that you're not going back, that it will not be fixed, that it truly is over. Sometimes you don't even realize you've been holding on to the tiniest of tiny hopes; sometimes you have outwardly longed and prayed for a reversal of events. Either way, the time always comes - sooner or later, but always - when you know.
I think the pscyhologists call it "acceptance" or similar. I call it "reality-smacks-you-in-the-fucking-face-and-forces-you-to-wake-the-fuck-up."
It seems strange, because it feels like a brick in your stomach, but in actuality, you've been waiting for this moment, the final grieving. When you can let go and honestly live again. When you can stop looking backward or forward and be present in the now.
It doesn't mean you will no longer think of the person/place/thing or even that you will never be sad again. But you are now on the way toward true healing because you are viewing the situation as it is, not as you hope or wish it to be. The truth of the matter.
So today, I am sad but also happy because this part is almost over. . .and I'm this close to being me again.
UPDATE: My Deepak Chopra Quote of the Day from Twitter is very apropos. "Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are." Deepak Chopra
This week's installment of Happy Yoga presented an interesting "inner yoga" exercise:
Think about someone in your life who pushes all your buttons. What are the qualities in this person that you don't like at all? Make a list.
Look over your list. Do you notice any of these qualities in yourself? If not, put the list away and look at it again in a couple of hours. Happy Yoga: 7 Reasons There's Nothing to Worry About, Steve Ross, p53.
A simple, not-rocket-science revelation, but an important one nonetheless. I'm not sure what others get out of this exercise, but for me, I shared a lot of the same qualities. This made me think: Do we not like others when we see our own bad traits reflected back at us from them? A lot of times, I think the answer is yes, and those times the answer is no, more often than not it's because they aren't doing things the "right" way, the way we think is best.
The book has this to say about relating to others:
If you want to be happy, the best thing you can do is thank, forgive, and consciously love [everyone] for being themselves. By not blaming them, but accepting them exactly as they are, you will begin to see that what was bothering you about them was really. . .you. Don't cling to your negativity; let it go. p52
Once again, I am reminded that there is no one to blame for being unhappy except me. Even when external circumstances don't always act as I would like them to, an angry, frustrated, disappointed, or other negative emotion is just a reaction. External forces, I can't control. My reaction, I can.
This Happy Yoga book I've been reading is kind of blowing my mind. It has really helped me realize that if you're unhappy, sometimes you need to actively try to be happy, like actually put forth some effort. At first that seems counterintuitive, but after putting forth effort, eventually it becomes second nature. (And yes, I've had quite a few 99 cent margaritas as I type this.)
Anyway. This week I started the chapter on love. An excerpt that I just fucking love:
The love you experience at any time with any person is not coming from them; it's coming from inside of you. It's your experience of your true self. In other words, the other person is a stimulus that allows your own love to be uncovered. - Steve Ross, Happy Yoga: 7 Reasons There's Nothing to Worry About
There is an analogy that follows about chocolate and how eating eight buckets of chocolate doesn't give us eight times the satisfaction because "satisfaction comes from you." The point of the parts I've read so far is that you cannot get fulfillment from relationships; you can only be fulfilled from yourself. Only by letting go of wanting X from your partner or friend or family member can you truly love them; you must accept them as they are.
One way the book suggests to practice this: pick a random person - on the street, in a car, at the store - and see them, accept them, approve of them. Be love.
So I thought, ok, I'll give this a shot. Guess what? NOT FUCKING EASY. I thought it wouldn't be that hard, but holy hell, it's totally hard. First person I picked on Monday was a lady in the courthouse, a couple hundred pounds overweight, ratty hair, coke-bottle glasses. I focused on her, tried to accept her and appreciate her just has she was.
Then I walked by her and got a couple whiffs of awful cigarette smoke. I was done. Over. Disgusted. Literally said, "Eeeew! Gross!" to myself.
Then I tried the A.D.A. that day in court. He was being an ass. Impossible. Could. Not. Do. It.
Of course, Monday I also wanted to hit someone so bad that I ran myself to death on the treadmill after work so that I wouldn't get in a fight, so perhaps that wasn't the *best* day to try this new, positive, loving me.
So last night I decided I would try again today, except I had a new conceptualization of the project. I realized my definitions of love did not encompass what I was supposed to feel. I didn't love these people like a family member, friend, or significant other, because I didn't know them that way. The point was to love them and appreciate them as members of the Earth, part of the world; we are all in it together.
Like squirrels.
People are squirrels.
I don't know squirrels, and those shits can cause me a lot of grief when Masala tries to jerk me around to chase them. Yet everytime I see them, I smile. They make me happy. I fucking love squirrels and appreciate them as part of the animal kingdom.
So today in court, I tried that shit. Pretended people were different breeds of squirrels. And you know what? Didn't totally worked, but got much farther than last time.
"You might want to consider the possibility that the root of your problems doesn't have quite as much to do with the external world as you might imagine. It's more likely that your reaction and interpretation of any given situation will dictate the nature of your experience. Yes, you can try to change the world, you can move to another town, you can divorce your spouse and find a new one, but your experience of the world cannot change until you become mindful of how you react."- Steve Ross, Happy Yoga
This morning I woke up in something of a funk. I slept in until 10am, which hasn't happened in I don't know how long. Because I'd fallen asleep watching football last night, I essentially slept 12 hours. Again, I cannot tell you the last time I slept that much. So I woke up groggy and confused, to say the least.
After walking Masala for 45 minutes or so, I was feeling more alive and awake, so I decided to take my book, Happy Yoga: 7 Reasons Why There's Nothing to Worry About, into my yoga room for inspiration. I figured a lot of people were in church working on their spirituality at just that moment, so I should take a crack at it, too.
The passage above was part of what I read today. It was followed by an "Inner Yoga" exercise which instructed me to set a timer for three minutes. In that three minutes I was supposed to ignore the external world and focus on myself. Observe my thoughts. Notice what I was thinking and feeling, without judgment. Become aware of my relationship with myself.
I rolled my eyes and set my phone alarm. To be honest, I expected this mini-meditation to be torture, but the time actually flew by. And you know what? I learned that I am internally fidgety, that nothing is ever just right. That I am always expecting a little bit more out of myself and am never satisfied.
In retrospect, this self I discovered is completely obvious. I'm Type A. Ambitious. Perfectionistic. But to see it within myself for three minutes really drove the point home that the paragraph was teaching me. If I don't learn to accept myself - and my circumstances and people around me - I will never truly be happy.
So just for today, I tried to stop figeting. I tried to quiet my mind and take everything as it comes. I tried to remain calm and not stress about the thousand other things I could/should be doing other than the one thing I was doing.
And you know what? It actually worked. I did the suggested yoga poses to get me in the right frame of mind, and after that, today was marvelous. Content. I accomplished a fair bit, but did so with a peace of mind that was astonishing and refreshing.
I know tomorrow and the next day continuing this practice of calm acceptance will be more difficult, and to be sure I will not be perfect. But today I learned that that will be okay, that I don't have to be perfect to be happy.
8:15AM - Took a little extra time during morning sun salutations to do bridge pose, preparing the heart chakra to be compassionate for difficult clients - which I KNOW, sounds fucking cheesy, but I swear, it might have worked or at least placebo effect worked, which is a'ight by me.
12:30AM - Court finished! All cases resolved without trial, which had been a potential for two of my six cases. Difficult clients were not difficult. One hugged me.
1:30PM - Checked out Books 3 and 4 of Percy Jackson and The Olympians from the library (The Titan's Curse and The Battle of the Labryinth, respectively). Great lunch and conversation with co-worker.
3:30PM - Made grocery list, excited about three new recipes I'm going to try this week.
5:30PM - Yeah, "Boom Boom Pow" is my new go-to treadmill song. Freakin' perfect.
7:00PM - Awesome yoga class at the gym; friend subbed for normally crappy teacher, thus allowing me to get my yoga fix locally.
Last week a new friend invited me to practice yoga at a studio she found about an hour away. I was floored. The facilities were the nicest I've seen, and the energy was phenomenal. And the studio mats...AAAAH. To. Die. For. Normally I use my own mat, but these mats are the bomb. I digress.
Since last Monday night, I've been mentally checking my schedule for when I'd have time to go back. I've been craving yoga in this studio like I normally crave chocolate. So when my friend texted me yesterday afternoon to see if I'd be game for a morning class today, I was all about it. . .even though I'd have to get up at 7am on a weekend. To be honest, I almost didn't go because seriously, for me, that's an early Sunday, and I lovelovelove sleeping in. But the craving took over, and I agreed.
The class was awesome again, but you don't want to hear about that. What struck me this time was a wall-hanging above the water fountain. It was one of those things that just spoke to me in that moment, so here I am sharing it with you.
The way to happiness is: keep your heart free from hate, your mind free from worry. Live simply, give much. Fill your life with love. Do as you would be done by. - Buddha
So many dirty thoughts, so little time.
