Samudra

Somewhere along the way of practicing yoga and dipping my toe into Buddhism I picked up a tip to help quiet the mind while trying to meditate: Picture yourself sitting at the bottom of the ocean, where everything is still, and the waves and turmoil are all above you, on the surface.

The metaphor, of course, is that our thoughts and emotions can swirl around us but at the core we can remain peaceful. I've always found it a particularly helpful exercise, perhaps because I am so drawn to the ocean anyway, and I find myself coming back to it sometimes in the middle of a hectic day when I pause to take a couple of breaths.

Today I feel quite literally like sitting on the ocean floor, except the couch is my sand and the current around me is everything I have to do, emotions I'm trying to avoid, thoughts too difficult to deal with. As long as I sit here and remain still, everything is fine. But the moment I get up the peace is gone and stress descends.

I'm not quite sure what to do. I try to live by the motto, "ride the wave," and right now the wave is crushing me, holding me under, like what my dad used to call "rolling" me, when you can't find the surface and the tide somersaults you and for a brief couple of seconds you think you might really drown. I'm trying to remind myself that I never drown. I always find air, and my feet always right themselves, and I am free to swim to shore or continue playing in the surf.

Just yesterday I told a friend that very early on in my life I began writing my own rules and forging my own path. I don't regret that, nor do I plan to stop doing it. Sometimes, though, it just feels so hard. Sometimes I just wish I could follow the steps that seem to work for everyone else instead of breaking my own ground. But I know my truth, and to ignore that would bring me more unhappiness than the pain and loneliness of making my own way.

So after I publish this post, I'm going to get up off the couch and jump into the current, because the peace here is false and if I don't fight for air, then I have succumbed to the wave instead of riding it. It's not time for riding and floating. It's time to paddle and duck dive. Hard work and patience. Another good set will come.

V Addict

It's Sunday afternoon around 1:45pm.  I am still wearing my glasses, the fugliest (and most comfy) sweatshirt of all time, and my favorite pink sweatpants. Masala has still not been taken for a walk despite the afternoon hour, which has never happened in his 2 year life. 

You see, my life has gone to shit ever since I started watching True Blood.  This weekend was supposed to be productive at both work and home, due to being gone 3 days last weekend in West Palm Beach and being gone 3 days this upcoming week in Raleigh for a work conference. But the True Blood. . .I cannot stop watching.

Now I'm all out of episodes, when I thought there were 14, not 12, and at a loss for what to do.  I'm an addict without a fix. If only Lafayette lived around here, I bet he could hook a sister up.

Things I have neglected while "using":
* Masala
* A stack of files almost 2 feet high at work
* Gym
* Dirty kitchen
* Grocery shopping
* Laundry, laundry, laundry
* Sweeping
* Bathing
* Sleeping
* Football
* Friends

The October Experiment

On September 25th, 2009 I checked my bank account to ensure I had sufficient funds to go to Busch Gardens "Howl-o-Scream" with friends on Saturday. Well, technically I did, but realistically, I sooooo did not. It turns out my adventures at the US Open, which returned magnificent emotional dividends, had the somewhat reverse effect on finances. I didn't get paid until September 30th, so let's just say the next five/six days were, um, frugal. And by frugal I mean I ate stale cereal, eggs, and toast for almost every meal because my bank account exhausted itself around the same time as my pantry/refrigerator.

So I get paid. Then I do something really, really stupid. I buy a plane ticket to Florida for Halloween weekend. SHUT. UP. It had to be done, and I don't want to hear another chastising word about it; my mother has done a very good job already.

Which brings me to the subject of our post: What the hell have I done and how the hell am I going to make it through October?

Part of my game plan, a very large part actually, is to not eat out the entire month. No, I won't succeed, but if I make it my goal to never do it, I will fail less than if my goal is to "not eat out very often." Trust me. I've tried the latter. 

This means I have to do the task I've dreaded for.ev.er. Make a meal plan. Aaaaaahhhhh. Even saying the thought makes me cringe. You see, once in college I had this roommate who posted the days of the week with their corresponding meals on the refrigerator. All three roommates chipped in for shared groceries to reduce expenses. No big deal. Except one time the other roommate and I made a meal that didn't correspond with the list and Meal-planning roommate went apeshit on us because we used the cheese that was earmarked for the enchiladas or whatever on Thursday. AS IF WE COULDN'T BUY MORE F-ING CHEESE. I digress.

The goal: Take lunch to work, make nutritious, cheap meals for dinner - use leftovers for lunch/dinner later on (read: No microwave shit)

Plan of attack: Meal plan, grocery list, banning microwave meals from fridge (insert sad face for lazy Niki)

Progress (unless otherwise noted, Clif bars for breakfast):
Oct 1 - Ate lunch at home. I think it consisted of two pieces of toast and Marmite or a microwave Amy's Organic Black Bean Burrito (had not been to store yet). Dinner - cereal, 4 margaritas (only 99cents each), chips & salsa (free w/margaritas)

Oct 2 - Convinced boss to buy lunch at local deli! Ate hodge-podge of yummy junk food at movie night. Still did not go to store.

Oct 3 - Hungover from movie night and/or beginning swine flu symptoms. Ate leftover brown rice for breakfast, Clif bar for lunch on the way to friend's parents' house at the beach, free pizza & beer for dinner. Um...accidentally had $29 bar tab. Whoops. Not entirely my fault, peeps put drinks on my tab, too drunk to sort out.

Oct 4 - Cheez-Its and burned cookies leftover from midnight snack for breakfast. Free pizza for lunch. Leftover pizza for dinner. Still have not gone to store as on vacation, returned too tired to care. Obviously. Attempt meal planning, brain could not cope with the pressure.

Oct 5 - Had to buy lunch as was at out-of-town court, no groceries to make to-go lunch. Leftover free pizza for dinner. (In case you're counting, that's approximately 4/7 meals, not counting the pizza consumed as part of movie night on Friday. When I informed R of this statistic + intent to eat only cereal for entire month, his response: Are you in college?) DID make it to store w/half-ass grocery list and ingredients purchased for real, adult meal the next day!!

Oct 6 - Toast with avocado for lunch, popcorn w/nutritional yeast & pita w/cheese for dinner. Yeah, I didn't quite make The Grit "Golden Bowl" as I had intended, but turns out nutritional yeast is excellent on popcorn (thanks organic store clerks!). Tomorrow, I swear. Tomorrow I'm going to do it. I will make nutritious dinner!

Yep, well. Off to a good start, aren't I?

Gen Y

Two separate people emailed me a list of funny "random thoughts" from 20-35 year olds. Honestly, I don't normally read or like those kinds of emails, but some of them had me laughing, pretty heartily, out loud (those are in bold). Some of my faves:

* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

* A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

* Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies."

* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

* Bad decisions make good stories

* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

* My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

Note: Why didn't I have a "procrastination" tag before this post? Is it because all my posts would have that tag? Hmm. We shall see.