Recently I had a multi-day jury trial. My client, to put it nicely, was not a defense attorney's dream. Long record, weird slightly scary tattoo, spastic hair, crazy eyes. We were not exactly besties.
After trial was over, I learned the following story: The district attorney was displaying photos on a giant screen, so I had positioned myself on the other side of the courtroom to see them. Meanwhile, back at the defense table, client started squirming around in his seat. . .every time they showed a picture he didn't like.
My boss, sitting right behind defense table, noticed client's fidgeting and leaned up to him.
"Settle down. You need to act like you are expecting everything that comes out of their mouths. Nothing is a surprise to you." Boss advised.
Client leaned down, nodded, and assured my boss, "This is my third jury trial."
Showing posts with label LOL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LOL. Show all posts
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, January 18, 2010
My New Happy Video?
My 2009 "Happy Video of the Year" was "I'm On A Boat."
2010 has only just begun, but I am already near tears after watching (and let's be honest, re-watching) this pure awesomeness from American Idol.
But Andy, don't worry. You're still my boo. General Larry got nothin' on you.
2010 has only just begun, but I am already near tears after watching (and let's be honest, re-watching) this pure awesomeness from American Idol.
But Andy, don't worry. You're still my boo. General Larry got nothin' on you.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Werewolves Rock
I awake from my unintentional blogging winter hibernation to bring you this, a pretty cute Saturday Night Live skit featuring New Moon hottie Taylor Lautner:
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Friday, October 02, 2009
Chris Rock Is Better Than Me
Chris Rock talks Polanski and Vick and is way funnier than I am. Check out a short clip here, and longer version here (can't embed).
I love me some Chris Rock. The Best.
I love me some Chris Rock. The Best.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Quote of the Year
R: See, this is good for you. Small steps toward relinquishing control of everything.
Me: Um. . .did you ever think maybe you're a control freak, too, a little bit?
R: (without missing a beat) There's a difference between being controlling and being right.
Finally. Someone who understands me.
Me: Um. . .did you ever think maybe you're a control freak, too, a little bit?
R: (without missing a beat) There's a difference between being controlling and being right.
Finally. Someone who understands me.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Gen Y
Two separate people emailed me a list of funny "random thoughts" from 20-35 year olds. Honestly, I don't normally read or like those kinds of emails, but some of them had me laughing, pretty heartily, out loud (those are in bold). Some of my faves:
* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.
* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
* A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
* Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."
* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies."
* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
* Bad decisions make good stories
* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
* My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
Note: Why didn't I have a "procrastination" tag before this post? Is it because all my posts would have that tag? Hmm. We shall see.
* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.
* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
* A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
* Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."
* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies."
* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
* Bad decisions make good stories
* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
* My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
Note: Why didn't I have a "procrastination" tag before this post? Is it because all my posts would have that tag? Hmm. We shall see.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
New Favorite Singer
Fucking priceless.
Did you see those hips shake? Did you see the COWBOY move? DID YOU, Megan?
Just when I think I have all the love I can possibly have for him, I find more awesome.
Did you see those hips shake? Did you see the COWBOY move? DID YOU, Megan?
Just when I think I have all the love I can possibly have for him, I find more awesome.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Nole For the Win?!
Oh, wait. Rafa FTW, Nole for the LOL!
Rafa wins his fourth at Rome, his third tournament in a row, making it a total of 15ish Masters Series titles, just two behind Agassi's all-time record. 30 match win streak on clay. RI-DIC-u-lous.
Novak Djokovic, aka Nole, is the only player who evens comes close to competing with Nadal on clay, and has been his finals opponent in two of the last three tournaments. Nole is known for his impressions, and this cheeky Italian woman in pants suit and - is that white tennis shoes?! -cajoled peer pressured Nole into doing a Rafa impression. Pretty funny. Probably funnier if you speak Italian and understand wtf is being said.
Psst. Don't tell Megan I posted this because she might try an intervention. I saw that episode of Party of Five, and I'm really not into it.
Rafa wins his fourth at Rome, his third tournament in a row, making it a total of 15ish Masters Series titles, just two behind Agassi's all-time record. 30 match win streak on clay. RI-DIC-u-lous.
Novak Djokovic, aka Nole, is the only player who evens comes close to competing with Nadal on clay, and has been his finals opponent in two of the last three tournaments. Nole is known for his impressions, and this cheeky Italian woman in pants suit and - is that white tennis shoes?! -
Psst. Don't tell Megan I posted this because she might try an intervention. I saw that episode of Party of Five, and I'm really not into it.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Drunk niki
presented without typeo corrections, just as you love her.
so i'm home early-ish b/c i have yoag in 8 hours nad needed to get some sleep unlike last week when i got opnly 4 hours before yoga.
anyway, i got home and ran straight to twitter because that's how i roll. found some lolcats that cracked my shit up and needed to share.
not funny, but so. FRICKIN. cute. i can hardly stand it.
this is the second runner up. loves it. the caption isn't funny until you focus on the cat...the cat is priceless.
you're welcome.
so i'm home early-ish b/c i have yoag in 8 hours nad needed to get some sleep unlike last week when i got opnly 4 hours before yoga.
anyway, i got home and ran straight to twitter because that's how i roll. found some lolcats that cracked my shit up and needed to share.
not funny, but so. FRICKIN. cute. i can hardly stand it.
this is the second runner up. loves it. the caption isn't funny until you focus on the cat...the cat is priceless.
this is my favorite, had me giggling so lound that masala woke up from a deep, deep slumber to see wtf was oingoing on. i know in th e light of sober mornign it waon't be so funny, but right now...HILARIOUS.
you're welcome.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Watchdog
It's around 10:45pm as I return home from dinner and a movie.* Per usual little M greets me at the door, tail wagging, eager to play. I lean over the baby/doggie gate to put my leftovers down when I am startled by the door creaking open.
Masala, ever the protector, scurries into his crate, tail between his legs and looks at me all, "WTF?"
Thanks, buddy. Nice to know you're there for me.
*He's Just Not That Into You - a couple of laugh-out-loud moments, but overall not that great (albeit better than most romantic comedies these days, sadly enough). Also, it bizarrely left me feeling depressed and bitter rather than giddy, daydreamy, and lovestruck.
Masala, ever the protector, scurries into his crate, tail between his legs and looks at me all, "WTF?"
Thanks, buddy. Nice to know you're there for me.
*He's Just Not That Into You - a couple of laugh-out-loud moments, but overall not that great (albeit better than most romantic comedies these days, sadly enough). Also, it bizarrely left me feeling depressed and bitter rather than giddy, daydreamy, and lovestruck.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Overheard in Wilmington
10:15pm, January 10, 2009
Niki: What is that?
Jeff: Looks like toilet paper and some terds to me. Come on, let's go.
Niki: What is that?
Jeff: Looks like toilet paper and some terds to me. Come on, let's go.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Fetch!
I'm phoning it in today, because election results coming in soon and tomorrow I'm going out of town. Excerpts from The Dangerous Book for Dogs, by Rex and Sparky.
The Rules of Fetch
Players: Fetch is a contest of two players, one human, one dog
Boundaries: Humans must throw the stick to an area where it can be retrieved. Any place that a dog cannot physically reach, such as on top of a van, is out of bounds.
Scoring: Humans are awarded points based on throw, and dogs are awarded points based on retrieval. Humans - 5 pts per 1yd of distance, 42 pts if stick is thrown w/in 30 seconds of being retrieved and dropped. Dogs - 37 pts if stick returned w/in 10 minutes, 154 pts + 12 liver treats for catching in midair
Penalties: Humans - 78 pts for throwing stick w/in vicinity of another dog who intercepts it, 340 pts for throwing in hard-to-find location, 663 pts for not throwing stick immediately when dog is ready to go again. Dogs - 2 pts for becoming distracted longer than 30 minutes, 15 pts for dropping stick twelve or more feet from human's location, 212 pts for returning with wrong stick unless this stick is returned in less than 5 minutes, in which case, no penalty applies.
Duration: The game goes on until a player earns 17,572 pts at which time that player wins. If a player gets tired and gives up, that player forfeits the game. If dinnertime arrives, game is suspended, to be resumed at a later, more appropriate time.
The Rules of Fetch
Players: Fetch is a contest of two players, one human, one dog
Boundaries: Humans must throw the stick to an area where it can be retrieved. Any place that a dog cannot physically reach, such as on top of a van, is out of bounds.
Scoring: Humans are awarded points based on throw, and dogs are awarded points based on retrieval. Humans - 5 pts per 1yd of distance, 42 pts if stick is thrown w/in 30 seconds of being retrieved and dropped. Dogs - 37 pts if stick returned w/in 10 minutes, 154 pts + 12 liver treats for catching in midair
Penalties: Humans - 78 pts for throwing stick w/in vicinity of another dog who intercepts it, 340 pts for throwing in hard-to-find location, 663 pts for not throwing stick immediately when dog is ready to go again. Dogs - 2 pts for becoming distracted longer than 30 minutes, 15 pts for dropping stick twelve or more feet from human's location, 212 pts for returning with wrong stick unless this stick is returned in less than 5 minutes, in which case, no penalty applies.
Duration: The game goes on until a player earns 17,572 pts at which time that player wins. If a player gets tired and gives up, that player forfeits the game. If dinnertime arrives, game is suspended, to be resumed at a later, more appropriate time.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Campaign Humor
On election eve, I want to keep things light. David Letterman's Top 10 Barack Obama Campaign Promises:
*Unrelated: Between here and Smartini, this is like my 4th post in about 2 hours. This must be some sort of record.*
*Unrelated: Between here and Smartini, this is like my 4th post in about 2 hours. This must be some sort of record.*
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Shout Out
Do yourself a favor and go read my friend's latest blog post. She is probably the funniest person I know, and her blog always has me in fits of giggles. Although she went on hiatus for the summer, her newest post had me in tears from laughing so hard.
Oh, and she's totally right. I almost always get what I want.
Oh, and she's totally right. I almost always get what I want.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Olympics: Day 13-1
When does it all end??
Damn me and my pledge to post every day. I have absolutely nothing of interest to say except that while I was composing a blog post tonight, I swear I heard the announcers say that someone's last name was "Horny." That makes me giggle.
Also, one of the flags had the abbreviation: SKN. In addition to being completely confused about what country that represents, it essentially is SKIN. Hee.
Can we tell where my mind is?
In effort to report something mildly interesting, I just expanded my horizons a teeny bit and checked out the BBC's coverage of the Olympics. Pray tell, what on earth is this? See more here.
Damn me and my pledge to post every day. I have absolutely nothing of interest to say except that while I was composing a blog post tonight, I swear I heard the announcers say that someone's last name was "Horny." That makes me giggle.
Also, one of the flags had the abbreviation: SKN. In addition to being completely confused about what country that represents, it essentially is SKIN. Hee.
Can we tell where my mind is?
In effort to report something mildly interesting, I just expanded my horizons a teeny bit and checked out the BBC's coverage of the Olympics. Pray tell, what on earth is this? See more here.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Olympics: Day 12-1
Losing steam.
I'm not sure if I'm going to make it to watch Shawn Johnson win the gold on beam (Damn you CNN on the TV in the optometrist's office!). Already fighting sleep. I've been a trooper, but I think my body is about to fall apart.
The diving hasn't enthused me the way I hoped it would, and the track flat out bores me.
Bah Humbug.
At least Matt Lauer and Al Roker came through in the clutch:
I'm not sure if I'm going to make it to watch Shawn Johnson win the gold on beam (Damn you CNN on the TV in the optometrist's office!). Already fighting sleep. I've been a trooper, but I think my body is about to fall apart.
The diving hasn't enthused me the way I hoped it would, and the track flat out bores me.
Bah Humbug.
At least Matt Lauer and Al Roker came through in the clutch:
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