The Truth of the Matter

Every break-up or ending has that moment. That moment you know in your heart and bones that s/he's not coming back, that you're not going back, that it will not be fixed, that it truly is over. Sometimes you don't even realize you've been holding on to the tiniest of tiny hopes; sometimes you have outwardly longed and prayed for a reversal of events. Either way, the time always comes - sooner or later, but always - when you know.

I think the pscyhologists call it "acceptance" or similar. I call it "reality-smacks-you-in-the-fucking-face-and-forces-you-to-wake-the-fuck-up."

It seems strange, because it feels like a brick in your stomach, but in actuality, you've been waiting for this moment, the final grieving. When you can let go and honestly live again. When you can stop looking backward or forward and be present in the now.

It doesn't mean you will no longer think of the person/place/thing or even that you will never be sad again. But you are now on the way toward true healing because you are viewing the situation as it is, not as you hope or wish it to be. The truth of the matter.

So today, I am sad but also happy because this part is almost over. . .and I'm this close to being me again.

UPDATE: My Deepak Chopra Quote of the Day from Twitter is very apropos. "Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are." Deepak Chopra

Sunrise, Sunset

This summer has been incredible, almost better than I could ask for, really. It has been one fun adventure after another. A smile has been nearly permanently afixed on my face.

Tonight, it is over. Fall is slowly replacing Summer. My heart is becoming heavy with dread as I anticipate colder temperatures and no imminent adventures on the horizon.

I know more good times will come, but they just seem to naturally arise in the summer like no other time of year. I always hate this part, the part where I have to put my summer in a box of memories.

Sure, I should and could have a better attitude about the changing of the seasons. I will probably work on that tomorrow.

Tonight, though, tonight it is over. And I am sad.

New Version of Me

There's a longer post swimming around in my head about this, but I'm far too tired to let it out coherently.

Spent most of the day at the beach with good friends after a night out partying until 6am. My hair is slowly making its way back blonde. It's prime time for flip flops, tank tops, and skirts. My skin is a golden tan. For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling like me. I can't help but feel that my internal existential crisis has been entangled with my outward appearance, but like the chicken and the egg, I can't tell you which came first.

All I know is that today, yesterday, last weekend, I've seen glimpses of the girl I remember from Australia, the me I want to be, carefree, spontaneous. . .happy.

And damn, I didn't know how much I missed Felicity until I searched for this title sequence. Fucking good tv show, JJ Abrams before he got LOST or had an Alias. Must seek out entire 4 seasons on DVD immediately.

Happy Birthday to Me!

No, you guys aren't in bizarro world, I'm just pre-planning. Also, one's 30th birthday is a milestone event, so I've just-this-very-moment decided to celebrate it until the year 2010. 

Going to *hopefully* see Rafa in person at the beginning of September! This morning I purchased tickets to four "sessions" of tennis at the US Open at Arthur Ashe Stadium.  Keeping fingers crossed Rafa plays during one of those sessions and on that court or else someone is going to get a beatdown.

Now that I think about it, throw the Conor concert in late July into the birthday festivities as well.

Birthdays rock. Everyone celebrate yours today!

Bummer.

I hate to do this to you guys, but I'm not sure I can sleep without venting a little. In the grand scheme of things, my life is fantastic and I have nothing to complain about. I know this.  In my little corner of the world, however, the following things are giving me grief this Sunday evening:

* Rafa loses in 4th round at French Open to giant douchebag named Soderling (actually wrote a much longer post about my coping with this but going to give it a day to marinade and edit then decide whether to publish)

* Bum knee/thigh/ankle? Let's just say bum leg

* Lack of exercise due to bum leg

* Feel fat due to lack of exercise and also, possibly, PMS

* Hopelessness re: how to remedy bum leg. Are there any good doctors here? Can I even afford a doctor, even with insurance, as may not all be covered?

* Hopelessness re: living in awful place where have to worry about presence of good doctors

* Hopelessness re: timeline for leaving awful place

* Boys

* Return to work tomorrow (Although really, given grand scheme of things, should be thankful I even have a job. . .even if they are going to decrease my pay by 7% and can I still afford rent + student loans + exorbitant electric bill + food?)

Gee. I thought this might make me feel better to get this off my shoulders, but in fact, now I just want to cry. Then again, maybe that's what I need to do to feel better?  I hate being a girl. HATE. IT.

Accentuate the Positive

It's been a rough few days. This past weekend was so much fun, and it's always difficult for me to come home to this boring, awful place after good times with great friends. Then, yesterday, I got some bad news on the work front - not about my current job, but about the prospect of moving away. Fortunately, the following things have kept my malaise in check so that I don't downward spiral into full-on can't-get-out-of-bed-drink-all-the-time depression:

* The gym - Post-workout euphoria is almost better than sex, and in this crappy town, definitely safer.

* Masala - I can't decide if it would be better or worse if he knew how to talk, because the thoughts I create for his expressions crack me up and what he's really probably thinking is "eat. sleep. go for walk. sleep. eat. get belly rubbed. sleep."



* Escazu chocolates - I recommend the Beaufort Bar. Get one for yourself, ASAP. You won't be sorry, and it's totally worth the cost. I promise. Would I lie to you?

* Bridget Jones

* Random phone calls from 2 old friends

* Sleep. Lots and lots of sleep, especially way past alarm clock going off. Wait. Is that good or bad?

* LOLCats - my favorite so far this week:


* This week's Goop newsletter - I know, that site is totally cheesy and kind of pretentious, but Gwyneth has good intentions, so I visit it from time to time. This week she asks several "sages" about why humans are inclined to think bad thoughts, how it adversely affects us, and how to keep it in check; she calls it the "evil tongue." An excerpt from one of the answers that I keep coming back to:

When we speak positively and refrain from evil speech, we surround ourselves with more and more positive energy, therefore sustaining our spiritual growth. Conversely, when we speak negatively about others, our words stay with us wherever we go, blocking our happiness. For instance, when we wake up in a bad mood for no apparent reason, Kabbalists explain there is a reason. The energy we created by maligning someone’s character yesterday adversely affects us today.

One's personal thoughts on Kabbalah aside, the heart of this lesson, I think, is very valid and definitely worth putting into practice. It's all about karma, people.

Thursday Update

118 lbs (must be at perfect weight after salad for lunch + running on treadmill without dying + walking the dog + lemon cake at lunch + lentils for dinner); alcohol units: 0 (hope to rectify this tomorrow, assuming thirst for "the drink" returns from Death Virus hiatus in time); life outside work/internet/dog: 0 (hate long weekends with nothing to do...heard rumor of band playing tomorrow, will contact one and only non-work friend who lives in shithole town to see if she is going)

Well, I really do hate to post and move the pictures down the page, but I suppose at some point it must be done.

Am doing terrible Bridget impersonation. Any self-respecting Bridget would be colossally pissed right now (in the British way, not the American way) singing along with Chaka Khan. However, evil Death Virus has sapped my body of any craving for alcohol whatsoever and replaced it with an insatiable desire for cookies, cake, and chocolate. I'm not joking. I think about these 3 things more than I think about sex. And that's saying something, people.

Tonight did very good job of resisting the urge to cry on the couch with a tub of ice cream. Instead turned sadness into determination and ran for 45 minutes on the treadmill. My 5k training guide said to do 3 ten minute intervals of running at RPE 6 interspersed with 2 minutes of walking. So I did 4 ten minute/2 minute intervals, and thought my left knee might leave me for another girl around minute 35. But I begged and pleaded and it made it through, and honestly I think our relationship may be stronger than ever.

Ugh. Speaking of relationships, was very bad today. After nearly two weeks, succumbed to inevitable break-up sex with Perez Hilton. Was good while it lasted but left me feeling empty and unfulfilled after. Best part about it is that I realized I'm not really missing all that much since I left him and reaffirmed my decision to part ways. So that's a relief.

Still have not made co-workers' thank-you cookies. Partly because Mon/Tues was exhausted and partly because Wed was afraid I would eat entire batch alone and couldn't bring myself to tempt fate. Did successfully make red lentils, although not on Sunday as had hoped. Was not my fault, though. Red lentils had gone off and needed to purchase new ones. Also was not my fault about the peach salad thingy because peaches were awful. Will never buy bloody Chilean peaches again!

Ooooh. Am doing fabulously on the no pre-packaged/frozen dinner goal. None so far this week! Monday ate cereal, Tuesday ate pretzels and hummus, Wednesday ate lentils, Thursday ate leftover lentils. Huzzah! Am culinary nutritional genius!

Ah, what else...have done well with the working out and have managed to keep kitchen in semi-neat state ever since cleaning on Sunday. Also completed 3 loads of laundry! Is miracle. Consider self a champion and any other goals completed = icing on the cake. Mmmm. Cake. Wonder if I have all the ingredients to make one. Fuck the cake, actually. Just want some icing! Damn you, Death Virus.

My New Obsession(s)

Since I've broken up with Perez Hilton (today is 4 days sober), I need a new addiction to fill the void left by his frequent posting and drama - otherwise I might have to be productive at work or clean my kitchen/do laundry at home. Enter the following:

* Tennis blogs - this originated when I found Nadal News, as I was seeking more and more info get my Rafael Nadal fix. That fabulous site led me to numerous other fabulous sites, and over the past week I have really enjoyed being a full-blown tennis fan. I've always half-assed followed tennis, but now I'm getting into the nitty gritty. There's so much to learn, but sites like Forty Deuce and Down the Line provide me with lots of info as well as the requisite snark. Yeah, I'll probably wax poetic about tennis on the blog, but I promise to keep it entertaining and to a minimum. I swear! Ok. I'll also post pictures of hot guys and their arms? I knew you wouldn't mind.

* Twitter - Obviously.

* Frozen grapes - Delicious springtime dessert, especially since I can't eat chocolate at night.

* Running - I don't know who I've become either. First there were the triathlon fantasies, which kicked into high gear when my gym teased me about training sessions. That hasn't panned out yet, but my co-worker mentioned a 5K and now I'm all over that. I'm even starting to crave running. It's so weird. So very, very weird.

* New haircut - It's so short. I don't even know what got into me. I was afraid going short would make me look fat*, and sometimes I think that is true, but from the neck up I love it so much that I don't care! Just cut it today and didn't wear makeup, so absolutely no pictures. Maybe next week if I think about it.

* Robitussin - Chris Rock's dad was onto something.

* Rafa - I just put him on the list so I could post this picture I borrowed from Nadal News (because clearly he is not a "new" obsession). You love me.

* NOTE: Please don't think if you have short hair that I think you're fat. I was only referring to myself, my body, my face, etc. Short hair actually makes a lot of girls look skinnier.

Ahhhh Tweet-tweet Tweet-tweet

I did not intend to do this. I was not going to jump on the Twitter bandwagon. Somehow, though, I ended up reading John Mayer and Taylor Swift's twitterings and it all sort of spiraled downhill.

Also, facebook is on the decline, and I need to be in on the new, "hip" thing, which is apparently Twitter. (Although I suspect the cool kids have come up with something more underground, with less of us square types crowding the room.)

If you're on, follow me! If you're not, come join the party! (Some chik named Alicenn followed me no less than 10 seconds after I signed up. WTF?) (Confidential to Ruby - how crazy we decided to do this on the same day! Great minds, my friend. Great minds.)

All Good Things Come To An End

I knew it was too good to be true. I had been in an uninterrupted good mood for almost five days straight, which must be some sort of record for me, and it was bound to come to an end sooner or later. I'm always skeptical when I wake up in high spirits, and today proved the rule.

Things that suck about today:

* My one case took two hours in court. It should have taken twenty minutes. Thank you client.

* My oil change turned into a $700 repair. Thank you universe. Did you see my post yesterday about how I need to SAVE MY MONEY FOR AWESOME TRAVEL ADVENTURE??!! Argh.

* My parents felt bad about the car, offered to buy this suit I've been eyeing, I go to Ann Taylor Loft website to purchase it, and they don't have my size. Oh, and the suit is now 30% off, so you know, just rub some salt in the wound a little.

* Masala had another accident - this time only after he'd been running amok in the house for 4 hours because I'd been so frazzled about my car I forgot to put the gate up. No accident for those 4 hours. Put the gate up for 15 mins so I can pee and change clothes for our walk. Little bastard decides he can no longer hold it. (He's been on this allergy medicine that makes him pee and not control it, but STILL. I know he did it just to spite me because I quit giving him that medicine yesterday, plus, see aforementioned 4 hours without accident. Little shit.)

* I got my period like 3 days early as far as I can remember. W.T.F.

* Did not get to go to kickboxing, as I had been looking forward to, due to unavailability of car which is still in the f-ing shop. Trust me, I could really pretend to punch a lot of things right now.

* Lost is a rerun. What am I supposed to do for entertainment tonight? Twiddle my thumbs? Read a book? Laundry? Pssh. No.

All I have to say is thank goodness for Netflix and wine (oh, and if this wine turns out to be a lemon, somebody is getting a beat down), because without these things. . .I don't even want to think about it.

Color Quiz

Niki took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Small Part of Me

Megan has indicated to me privately that she loves it when I drink and blog, so in her honor, I am at my computer doing that tonight. As of that last typo in "tonight" that I corrected, I will no longer be editing my misspellings, for your reading amusement. Ash did this pretty cool mem on Facebook and on her blog that I've been wanting to do for awhile mnow, so here we go:

RULES:
A. Put your music player on shuffle.
B. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
C. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
D. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the game from.

I'm going to preface this by saying that I just got a new iPod and have only loaded a little over 500 songs, so this is but a small sampling of my music collection....

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY:
"Ur So Gay" - Katy Perry (i rhyme! i'm a rapper!)

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Silent House" - Dixie Chicks (well, yes. . .and no)

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"We Used to Be Friends" (aka the theme from Veronica Mars) - The Dandy Warhols (friendship is good)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Minneapolis" - Lucinda Williams (hee. totally nonsensical.)

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Speak for Me" - Cat Power (um, what?)

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"New Monkey" - Elliott Smith (hmmmm. maybe.)

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Birmingham 1982" - Maria Taylor (interesting.)

8.WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Rest of My Life" - Rilo Kiley (doesn't everyone?)

9. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
"Sunshine" - Matt Costa (obviously)

10 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"One Evening" - Feist (i don't like the impression my iPod has of me.)

11.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Leap Year" - Maria Taylor (awesome.)

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"World of Vibrations" - Blackalicious (hilarious and oh so appropriate, in a weird kind of way)

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Sleep Through the Static" - Jack Johnson (i do NOT want to be a stoner, thanks iPod.)

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Suicide is Painless" - Matt Costa (my favorite answer.)

15. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Make a Plan to Love Me" - Bright Eyes (I can't believe it took 15 songs to get to Conor.)

16. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Desire's Only Fling" - Matt Costa (pretty much)

17. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Posters" - Jack Johnson (wtf?)

18. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Arienette" - Bright Eyes (um, no.)

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Lenders in the Temple" - Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band (naturally. . . ?)

20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Didn't I (Blow Your Mind This Time)?" - New Kids On The Block (because i rock.)

21. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"They Do, They Don't" - Jack Johnson (why is he so damn popular on this questionaire?)

22. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Good Woman" - Cat Power (HA.)

23. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"Someday You Will Be Loved" - Death Cab for Cutie (this hardly seems reasonable to me. stupidest answer so far. really fucking good song, though - see sidebar.)

24. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love and To Be Loved) - Bright Eyes (one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time, i think)

25. WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"Hanging Tree" - Counting Crows (probably the most true answer all list, because images of people hanging themselves are the creepiest pictures to me, i always turn away)

26. WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Happy Birthday to Me (February 15) - Bright Eyes (sooooo, is that a yes or a no?)

27. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Chemo Limo" - Regina Spektor (i got nothin')

28. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"No Stars" - Maria Taylor (clearly my iPod has been smoking crack.)

29. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Picture of Jesus" - Ben Harper (actually, not too far off base. more on that later.)

30. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Small Part of Me" - Maria Taylor (crazy! i only have like one and a half maria taylor albums yet somehow she popped up 4 times.)

31. The next song just because I love this game (not part of the original meme):
"Middle of the Road" - Jonathan Rice (i love this guy. really like this song.)

Ok. I'll stop now. Thanks for playing.

I tag you ALL!

I *really* don't need to be blogging right now...

...but one of my best friends is having her birthday today, another one has her cell phone turned off (WTF, Am?), another and I seem to be on a text basis only, and everyone else has kids, family, and/or all their own crap to deal with. 

And I need to vent and whine and basically freak out for a moment, so if you will please indulge me.

[insert text from original post which I have redacted in light of better judgment regarding confidentiality and my career; below is the last paragraph of the original post]

THE BOTTOM LINE: OMG. This is really, truly happening and I have NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING.  Seriously.  I'm being depended on here, and while it was really fun this past month to talk to the talk, um, I'm not so sure about this walk the walk part. 

I should be ashamed of myself.

But I'm totally not.

Tonight I dropped my very first, "Do you know who I am?" line.*

I know. I know. Pretentious. Arrogant. Elitist.

100% got me out of a speeding ticket.

Worst part is: I was speeding because I knew I could get out of it if I got caught. I feel like a spoiled rich kid, one of those entitled, asshole ones that I hate.

A spoiled, entitled, elitist rich kid with NO speeding ticket! Holla!!

(P.S. Thank you Trooper who gave me a verbal warning and was really very cool about the entire thing. )

* I'm really no one important, just someone who knows people who can get me out of speeding tickets : )